Break Free, a Workout Comedy

Just before I was about to put my son in the stroller and leash up the dog to go for an afternoon run, it started pouring rain for the 150th time this month. I really wanted to get in some cardio, so I turned to YouTube and did a search for "30 minute dance workout". The top video on the list had 8 million views so I thought it must be a good one. The jury is still out on that.

The first thing I see is the silhouettes of 7 dancers, all dressed in outfits ranging from bikini tops to booty shorts to baggy hip hop pants. Within seconds I'm introduced to the leader of the pack, a dark-skinned beauty named Bipasha Basu with a thick Indian accent. Clearly, all of these people spend everyday of their lives working out. They are toned, tan and look perfect on camera. I think, "Sweet. This is gonna kick my ass."

Putting aside my grumpiness at how good their legs look slathered in oil, which I find utterly ridiculous since they are about to sweat it off...Oh wait, no. There is a hidden fan blowing on them so their hair moves just so. They are probably not gonna sweat... I start the warm up. 

Ms. Basu, in her tiny, frayed, white jean shorts, tells me to stretch my neck muscles, demonstrating a rapid head tilt from right to left. It feels more like whiplash so soon in. I realize pretty quickly that I hate the music they are playing. It's like elevator music on crack. Worse, the dancers are not in sync and off beat with the music, probably because the moves they are doing don't go. I think they are really dancing to Beyonce or something else equally as booty-shakeable. As a dancer, this irritates me but I keep going. 

Taking me through moves dubbed the Sexy Sway, the Chest Bump, the Hammer Fist, and the Grab & Roll (a fancy version of the Cabbage Patch), I find myself laughing about halfway through. I'm not sure if it's because I know my moves look nothing like the sex pots' on the TV or if it's that I'm surrounded on all sides by open windows looking out at my neighborhood street (so who knows how many other people are also laughing). Or perhaps it's because this video is not so much a workout video as it is a promo for Ms. Basu's acting career. I stop counting the close ups of her "Come and get me, you dirty boy" face at about 18. (You know the face I'm talking about, girls. The one you don't want to admit you've practiced in your bathroom mirror.)

The best part is the water break toward the end. The dancers are filmed stretching out and toweling off their "sweaty" (oily) bodies while sipping from their water bottles. It is like a bad commercial for Gatorade. I stop for water, too, but I just sip from a plastic Mardi Gras cup & check on the baby and the dog.

Yes, they really included this. With instructions to only take small sips. 

To finish off, we do a Bollywood routine in which I am about 17 counts behind the entire time. At this point I am ready to quit (not out of exhaustion, unfortunately this workout isn't doing for my heart rate what a good run does), but because I find the whole thing so comical that I just want to sit down and watch it unfold. But since I'm not a quitter I thrust my pelvis, pump my chest and shimmy with them to the bitter end.

Obviously people like this sort of thing, there were 8 million views after all, but I suspect that some people may be doing a different kind of exercise while watching. A quick google search tells me that Ms. Basu is a film actress in India, mostly taking roles in the horror genre, and that she is cited in the media as a "sex symbol".

Final verdict, I had fun. I didn't spend that 30 minutes on the couch, and I laughed. At myself and at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. But the only way I'd ever do this video again is with some girlfriends, over drinks, so that we could show off our versions of the Double Shoulder Scoop and the Slap & Clap, and collectively appreciate how real we are. Sans shiny legs.

You know you want to see what I'm talking about.

You're welcome.